How To Not Fail, by an experienced failure

Sometimes I update posts when I think of new ideas. Thank you for understanding.

Regrets? Oy, I've a few.

A question I'm sure you have is: how exactly am I qualified to write a blog about the new world of work?!

Well...I can show you what not to do. Would that be good? OK, let's do that.

Here's the mistakes I've made. Don't do these and your life will be great:

There Is No Plan B

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

"If it doesn't work out, you can always go back to school."

"Have an escape plan."

Here's why that line of thinking is horseshit: for everything that really matters in life, eventually you're going to fail so hard you're going to want to quit. And if you can, you will. You may think you're a tireless fighter for whatever it is you think you want to be....but you're probably not. Fear is a great motivator. Use it.

I will do one thing. I will do it better than everyone else. Some heed the call. (A. Bourdain)

Don't ignore the call.

Speaking of which:

Learn To Fail

(YES I know this is called "How To Not Fail". Get ready to not get what you expect in life.)

This is more important than college. They should teach this at college, so of course, they don't.

Because you weren't paying attention just now: you're going to fail at whatever it is you really want to do. It's going to hurt. Badly. Your spirit will be crushed and your worldview, specifically why you were born, will be called into question.

Successful people all went through it. Maybe they become successful and keep going through it.

Failing sucks, and I wish I'd done it more. Maybe then failure wouldn't have won and blocked me from the things I really wanted out of life.

Oh, and how do you fail less eventually? Try this:

Sweat The Small Stuff

Your competition is. If it's worth it for you to do, do it right. Do it better than everyone else. A learning curve is to be expected, but get through that quicker.

Or are you too busy?

Having said that:

Skills Aren't As Important As Your Brand

Most people are not particularly good at anything. (G. Carlin)

With the exception of people who research diseases and build power plants, knowing how to do stuff isn't as important as making everyone believe you know how to do it. Which largely involves getting them to remember who you are.

(Don't believe me? When was the last time you worked with someone who was really good at their job? And how were they doing in life in general?)

(That's in general. Success is not the literal equivalent of your career. Think Jerry from Parks And Recreation.)

(But I digress, as the use of ellipses should indicate.)

When it comes to building your brand, "Just be yourself" is also terrible advice. Because, let's face it....you're you. No offense.

The people you admire are probably not themselves...not in a true, day to day way. Think of that person you admire and want to emulate as a higher plane of themselves, an ideal of themselves, a epic movie classic performance of themselves.

Imagine that for yourself. What would that look like?

(Hint: once again for the people in the back: you are not your career.)

Being Smart Isn't Important. Being Fun And Interesting Is.

What would Tony Bourdain Do?

I'm not saying he wasn't smart. Just not in that way. There's all kinds of intelligence; scientific, mechanical, engineering...and then there's social intelligence and psychological intelligence and emotional intelligence.

They're all equally valid. Don't look down on someone else because they can't explain algorithms or understand the stock market. The world needs people who can play a musical instrument well, or blog about traveling around the world, or host amazing parties too. (You know, when that becomes not a life-threatening act.) Let's value those people AND coders AND quants.

Speaking of living your best life:

Never Assume There Is Enough Time

Life is short. You can buy anything and everything your heart desires in this world, except more time.

So make the most of it. You won't like being old and reminiscing about all the opportunities you FUBARd and all the time you spent sitting around getting blunted in front of the home entertainment system. So, you know, do less of that.

Relax, Goddamnit

So everything is awful. You can still laugh at jokes. Especially the tasteless ones.

Which leads us to...

Cultivate Better Role Models and Better Friends

You're only as good as your friends and role models.

(Insert Van Halen picture here. No, actually, you do it, I'm tired.)

Just to be clear, having mediocre or even bad friends is fine. One thing you can say about us losers is, we're interesting. Successful people are basically all the same, sitting on their front porches of their enormous houses watching the children get into trouble and worrying about everything. Losers are interesting!

But I digress.

Real friends aren't online. You can't mute a real friend for a month, no matter how badly you want to. Real friends might ask you to buy their book or see their off-off-Broadway play or attend their reception, but you do it because you know they'll do the same for you.

And real friends and role models have value. Of course, that means you should have value, too. (see also: romantic relationships)

Speaking of which:

Don't Fucking Have Children.

Thank goodness I never did that! Things would be so much worse.

Well, follow this advice and you won't end up a fat old bachelor takeout driver loser. Ask me how I know, and if you ask nicely, maybe I'll tell you.

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